Cherish

I kept a few Emails Tal sent me over the years. Not enough, but at least I have a few. 


He sent me the following Email on February 18th 2002, in reply to my Email titled: "Travel journal, Friday, Day 6th (February 8th)" .
I was abroad for about a month then (Cuba & Italy) and sent an elaborate travel journal to my friends and family by lengthy Emails (didn't have a blog then...). 

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Hey, sis,

Having your travel tales unfold in front of me is amazing. I never knew you had this talent for writing... I guess it runs in the family. I think you should do something with it, honestly.

You also seem to have a talent for enjoying life... which means I keep smiling while reading your journal. I actually felt your sorrow and love when you and Lilah parted... every time I finish reading, I'm already looking forward to the next episode.

Now, especially, and of course, I want to hear about your dinner with the Royal family... the closest I ever came was having dinner at the Jumayel family home, in Lebanon, about 20 years ago (an interesting story... I can tell you about it next we meet, if you want).

Lots of love and kisses

Bro.

PS: I like having you for a sister.

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When in doubt, do the right thing




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Yesterday I was notified an article I wrote was accepted by a website and will be published online, for the first time. (My first article was published in a printed magazine. This is my second article in the total countdown, but the first to be published online). 


I spent the next few minutes jumping up and down in joy and excitement - and the following hours in tears, because I can't tell Tal about it, and I can't have his feedback on what I write and how I write it, and I can't have him being proud of me and happy for me. 

What a ship is

Yesterday I watched "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" in the cinema. 

What Jack Sparrow (Sorry - Captain Jack Sparrow) tells Elizabeth Swan made me think of Tal:

"...That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails, that's what a ship needs - but what a ship is... what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom."

I reckon if it was written:
"...That's what a vehicle is. It's not just wheels and an engine and a fuel tank and an exhaust pipe, that's what a vehicle needs - but what a vehicle is... is freedom". 

Tal would agree. 

What do you think? I think it's a pretty good definition. 

לענה | Artemisia

מאז שטל נהרג מסתובב לי בראש המשפט הזה מ"שר הטבעות", בתרגומה של רות לבנית:


"אל תבחש בלענת כוסי…כלום איני טועם את מר טעמה לילה לילה וליבי מנבא לי שעוד לא מיציתי את קובעתה?" (דנתור מתפרץ בזעם על פאראמיר). 


כי ככה אני מרגישה: שאמנם מר לנו על היעדרו מהרגע הראשון, אבל אנחנו עוד לא קולטים עד כמה מותו השפיע, משפיע וישפיע עלינו - על כל כך הרבה אנשים, בכל כך הרבה אופנים, בכל כך הרבה רבדים. כמו רעל שמתפשט, כמו מרירות שמחלחלת, שאנחנו עוד רחוקים מלמצות את השפעתה, להבין אותה או להכיל אותה. 


ליל הסדר היה מזעזע, והמחשבה להיות שוב סביב שולחן בחג בלעדיו גורמת לי לרצות לברוח רחוק, מהר וביללות. 

Since Tal was killed, this quote from "Lord of the Rings" keeps popping up in my head: 

"Stir not the bitterness in the cup that I mixed for my self…have I not tasted it now many nights upon my tongue, foreboding that worse yet lay in the dregs?" (Denethor snaps at Faramir). 

Because this is how I feel: Although we feel the bitterness of his absence since the moment he was gone, we do not yet grasp the scope of influence his death has affected - on so many people, in so many ways, in so many layers. Like poison expanding, like bitterness spreading - we are far from exhausting, comprehending or containing its effect on us. 

The 'Seder' night was horrid, and thinking about spending another holiday eve around the table without him makes me want to run away, far and fast, howling.