My beloved friend N. sent me Miranda July's book "No one belongs here more than you". The woman in the "Majesty" story works in a place dedicated to teaching preparedness and supporting earth quake victims. When she gave a lecture in a school once, a boy asked her what made her the expert. She replied she was more afraid of earthquakes than any person she knew and described her reoccurring nightmare of being smothered in rubble.
If you haven't read the story yet and think you might, STOP READING HERE - SPOILER ALERT.
This is how the story ends: "In the reoccurring dream, everything has already fallen down, and I'm underneath. I'm crawling, sometimes for days, under the rubble. And as I crawl, I realize that this one was the Big One. It was the earthquake that shook the whole world, and every single thing was destroyed. But this isn't the scary part. That part always comes right before I wake up. I am crawling, and then suddenly, I remember: the earthquake happened years ago. This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is. In fact, I realize, there never was an earthquake. Life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else".
If you haven't read the story yet and think you might, STOP READING HERE - SPOILER ALERT.
This is how the story ends: "In the reoccurring dream, everything has already fallen down, and I'm underneath. I'm crawling, sometimes for days, under the rubble. And as I crawl, I realize that this one was the Big One. It was the earthquake that shook the whole world, and every single thing was destroyed. But this isn't the scary part. That part always comes right before I wake up. I am crawling, and then suddenly, I remember: the earthquake happened years ago. This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is. In fact, I realize, there never was an earthquake. Life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else".
Last night I've watched the movie "One Day", based on a novel by the same name. It's about a guy and a girl (Emma and Dexter) who graduate from university on July 15, 1988, and spend the night together. The movie drops in on them on July 15th every year for the next 23 years. Emma's character reminded me of myself in some aspects, in a troubling way - especially in her early years.
If you haven't seen the movie yet and think you might, STOP READING HERE - SPOILER ALERT.
I felt like I was dealt a physical blow when I've watched this scene (not recommended for viewing by people who are sensitive to road injuries scenes):
I went into a hysterical fit of tears. Sobbed, howled, doubled over with pain. Felt like I was falling, clawing my way to stay sane. Cried myself to sleep after a few hours. Woke up this morning still feeling like I've been physically knocked down.
A few years ago I've watched the movie "Sideways".
The general plot summary isn't relevant here, only the dialogue which precedes this movie excerpt:
"MAYA: So what gems do you have in your collection?
MILES: Not much of a collection really. I haven't had the wallet for that, so I sort of live bottle to bottle. But I've got a couple things I'm saving. I guess the star would be a 1961 Cheval Blanc.
MAYA: You've got a '61 Cheval Blanc that's just sitting there? Go get it. Right now. Hurry up... Seriously, the '61s are peaking, aren't they? At least that's what I've read.
MILES: Yeah, I know.
MAYA: It might be too late already. What are you waiting for?
MILES: I don't know. Special occasion. With the right person. It was supposed to be for my tenth wedding anniversary.
Understanding, Maya considers her response.
MAYA: The day you open a '61 Cheval Blanc, that's the special occasion".
If you haven't seen the movie yet and think you might, STOP READING HERE - SPOILER ALERT.
This is almost the end of the movie:
I seem to be a highly sensitive person and should be treating myself as one in order to take care of myself:
But - should I be working in a place dedicated to teaching preparedness and supporting life victims? Am I more afraid of life than any person I know?
The scene from "One day" hurt so much both because I don't want to imagine Tal being hit by the car, but also because I worry about missing out on my own life.
Do I spend my days trying to shelter myself from being hurt by life, and thus wasting my life, casue there is no way to protect myself from it?
All my "house rules", all the "I do this" and "I don't do that" I've compiled over the years (and as the people in my life know, it's quite a long list): Is this just the way I am, just how my character / soul / mind are built and I should respect that and work with it? Are they genuinely a part of my true self definition? Do they really serve me? Preserve me? Help me protect myself from harm? Or am I just trying to save my 1961 Chateau Cheval Blanc and waste opportunities to enjoy myself on the way, because the right moment to drink it may never come?
Dad made some sort of home-made alcoholic drink when Tal was born. The bottle was supposed to be open at his circumcision. Or at his Bar-Mitzvah. Or at his wedding. Or at his son's circumcision. They kept forgetting about it, and when they recalled it, it was decided to be saved for the next special occasion. It was never opened. I think it was thrown away at some point cause Dad thought the liquid inside must have been spoiled by then. I'll check the next time I'm home.
Is this what I am to learn from his death? Not to waste opportunities? To create my own special occasions? To stop trying to shelter myself from life? Perhaps I can stop living in fear of the next earthquake, cause it has already happened? Cause there is nothing I can do to stop it should it come again? "Cause life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else".
Do I spend my days trying to shelter myself from being hurt by life, and thus wasting my life, casue there is no way to protect myself from it?
All my "house rules", all the "I do this" and "I don't do that" I've compiled over the years (and as the people in my life know, it's quite a long list): Is this just the way I am, just how my character / soul / mind are built and I should respect that and work with it? Are they genuinely a part of my true self definition? Do they really serve me? Preserve me? Help me protect myself from harm? Or am I just trying to save my 1961 Chateau Cheval Blanc and waste opportunities to enjoy myself on the way, because the right moment to drink it may never come?
Dad made some sort of home-made alcoholic drink when Tal was born. The bottle was supposed to be open at his circumcision. Or at his Bar-Mitzvah. Or at his wedding. Or at his son's circumcision. They kept forgetting about it, and when they recalled it, it was decided to be saved for the next special occasion. It was never opened. I think it was thrown away at some point cause Dad thought the liquid inside must have been spoiled by then. I'll check the next time I'm home.
Is this what I am to learn from his death? Not to waste opportunities? To create my own special occasions? To stop trying to shelter myself from life? Perhaps I can stop living in fear of the next earthquake, cause it has already happened? Cause there is nothing I can do to stop it should it come again? "Cause life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else".
