יום ראשון, 4 בדצמבר 2011

Am I missing out on life? And three spoilers

My beloved friend N. sent me Miranda July's book "No one belongs here more than you". The woman in the "Majesty" story works in a place dedicated to teaching preparedness and supporting earth quake victims. When she gave a lecture in a school once, a boy asked her what made her the expert. She replied she was more afraid of earthquakes than any person she knew and described her reoccurring nightmare of being smothered in rubble. 
If you haven't read the story yet and think you might, STOP READING HERE - SPOILER ALERT
This is how the story ends: "In the reoccurring dream, everything has already fallen down, and I'm underneath. I'm crawling, sometimes for days, under the rubble. And as I crawl, I realize that this one was the Big One. It was the earthquake that shook the whole world, and every single thing was destroyed. But this isn't the scary part. That part always comes right before I wake up. I am crawling, and then suddenly, I remember: the earthquake happened years ago. This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is. In fact, I realize, there never was an earthquake. Life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else". 

Last night I've watched the movie "One Day", based on a novel by the same name. It's about a guy and a girl (Emma and Dexter) who graduate from university on July 15, 1988, and spend the night together. The movie drops in on them on July 15th every year for the next 23 years.  Emma's character reminded me of myself in some aspects, in a troubling way - especially in her early years. 
If you haven't seen the movie yet and think you might, STOP READING HERE - SPOILER ALERT
I felt like I was dealt a physical blow when I've watched this scene (not recommended for viewing by people who are sensitive to road injuries scenes):  


I went into a hysterical fit of tears. Sobbed, howled, doubled over with pain. Felt like I was falling, clawing my way to stay sane. Cried myself to sleep after a few hours. Woke up this morning still feeling like I've been physically knocked down. 


A few years ago I've watched the movie "Sideways". 
The general plot summary isn't relevant here, only the dialogue which precedes this movie excerpt: 
"MAYA: So what gems do you have in your collection?
MILES: Not much of a collection really. I haven't had the wallet for that, so I sort of live bottle to bottle. But I've got a couple things I'm saving. I guess the star would be a 1961 Cheval Blanc.
MAYA: You've got a '61 Cheval Blanc that's just sitting there? Go get it. Right now. Hurry up... Seriously, the '61s are peaking, aren't they? At least that's what I've read.
MILES: Yeah, I know.
MAYA: It might be too late already. What are you waiting for?
MILES: I don't know. Special occasion. With the right person. It was supposed to be for my tenth wedding anniversary.
Understanding, Maya considers her response.
MAYA: The day you open a '61 Cheval Blanc, that's the special occasion". 
If you haven't seen the movie yet and think you might, STOP READING HERE - SPOILER ALERT
This is almost the end of the movie: 
 



I seem to be a highly sensitive person and should be treating myself as one in order to take care of myself: 

But - should I be working in a place dedicated to teaching preparedness and supporting life victims? Am I more afraid of life than any person I know? 
The scene from "One day" hurt so much both because I don't want to imagine Tal being hit by the car, but also because I worry about missing out on my own life. 
Do I spend my days trying to shelter myself from being hurt by life, and thus wasting my life, casue there is no way to protect myself from it? 
All my "house rules", all the "I do this" and "I don't do that" I've compiled over the years (and as the people in my life know, it's quite a long list): Is this just the way I am, just how my character / soul / mind are built and I should respect that and work with it? Are they genuinely a part of my true self definition? Do they really serve me? Preserve me? Help me protect myself from harm? Or am I just trying to save my 1961 Chateau Cheval Blanc and waste opportunities to enjoy myself on the way, because the right moment to drink it may never come?


Dad made some sort of home-made alcoholic drink when Tal was born. The bottle was supposed to be open at his circumcision. Or at his Bar-Mitzvah. Or at his wedding.  Or at his son's circumcision. They kept forgetting about it, and when they recalled it, it was decided to be saved for the next special occasion. It was never opened. I think it was thrown away at some point cause Dad thought the liquid inside must have been spoiled by then. I'll check the next time I'm home. 
Is this what I am to learn from his death? Not to waste opportunities? To create my own special occasions? To stop trying to shelter myself from life? Perhaps I can stop living in fear of the next earthquake, cause it has already happened? Cause there is nothing I can do to stop it should it come again? "Cause life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else".  

5 תגובות:

  1. Love you so much dear. Nothing else to say. Just that I dearly love you.

    השבמחק
  2. You know where I stand in this. I KNOW that when I die, I will want my loved ones to go on with their lives, and remember me with a smile and celebrate me or the memories of me by smiling, by having a great time with themselves and the people who are all around them. I will wish all my beloved ones this, and not to hide from life, cry at every memory or instance, and refuse to have fun, as if it will insult my memory. If I could, I'd shoot lightnings from Heaven (or Lava from Hell) up their butt to make them come around, and I want to believe that we all want this for our loved ones, including Tal which I haven't met or known.

    Stop hiding from life, stop feeling sorry for the cards that were dealt for you and Tal, and smile for what you have, and go and have a good time. Life is more then one person, and as sad as it is to lose a brother, life ain't over or broken, and there is so much more in life to hope for.

    There is no reason for both brother and sister to lose their lives, because that's what you're doing to yourself (with the help of your friends who don't slap you into living your life, and instead let you dwell in your misery). Give Tal a reason to smile, to be happy with your happiness. I know I would want this from my beloved ones when I die.

    השבמחק
  3. Alon - Thanks dear, I know you mean well.
    May all your friends and siblings die of old age only, after they have had a good, long life and after you have had a chance to say goodbye to them. But I suspect that even under those "perfect" circumstances, you might still find yourself unable to respond to their death only by joy and happiness, and to go on with your life as it were before.
    When I am sad or grieve, it is not because I choose it. It is simply because that is how it is. I am going through a grieving process. Maybe your inner system is different. Maybe you are right and you will need a shorter time to heal. People are different.
    It's like healing from a broken heart - some people take longer, some less.
    I think it is important to allow yourself to feel the pain, the hurt, the sadness, the loss, the grief, because if you will try to ignore it, deny it or suppress it, it will merely come back up to the surface at a later time.
    Yes, I do go dancing from time to time - you know it. But I can suddenly have tears in my eyes on the dance floor, casue there was some trigger or other. I do not look for it - it is simply there.
    And when you die, which again I of course hope will be in old age, after a good long life, the people who love you might find themselves unable to follow your wishes and rejoice after you're gone, even if that would be your explicit wish - just because that is how we are. We are sad at a loss. We grieve when someone dies.
    Some people are better at dealing with loss than others.
    What I meant about hiding from life doesn't relate to the time since my brother's death, but to the way I have lived my life for many years before. In this post I'm addressing his death as a sort of a "wake up" call from that.
    I do not "refuse" to have fun. I enjoy myself when I can - but sometimes I just can't. And it's OK. I allow myself to be as I am.
    I do not think I will be able to accept what happened unless I go through this process, and not try to run or hide from it. I still sometimes can't grasp the fact that he's dead. You think living is only about being happy and smiling? well, so did I. It isn't. I have to learn to accept death as part of life. It's not easy for me. I know it is easier for some. Maybe you are one of those.

    השבמחק
  4. Alon, let me give you an example:
    I'm in Chiang Mai, studying a course and enjoying myself.
    Suddenly, I start crying. No one notices, although there are 6 other people in the room. I manage to quiet myself down and hold it in for the rest of the lesson, but when we go out on break I can't hold it in anymore, and I'm sitting on the stairs outside, weeping.
    After about 10 minutes I manage to quiet myself down again.
    I wasn't looking for it nor trying to dwell in it: the pain just surfaces up, when I suddenly realize he really is dead, for no obvious trigger.

    השבמחק

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